Ask, Don’t Assume
Remember back in elementary school when someone would tell you – or you would tell them – "Don't assume. You make an a$$ out of U and me"?
Somehow, as adults, we have forgotten that important piece of adolescent wisdom. In the nonprofit sector especially, people seem to constantly make decisions for others. This plays out in phrases like "I'd love to have them on my board, but they seem too busy" or "I'd ask them to make a gift, but they just came back from an expensive vacation."
When you make decisions for others, you strip away their agency. That "too busy" person may have a deep passion for your mission and may have quietly hoped you would ask them to serve. You never know until you ask. And as the old counterargument goes: if you want something done, give it to the busiest person.
Why do we make assumptions? Our brains process billions of pieces of information every day, sorting them into categories by connecting the unknown to the known. Because we know our own feelings and reactions best, we tend to project them onto others.
Social science researchers point to 4 distinct rationales for making assumptions about others, all of which can distort our perceptions:
Mind reading: The tendency to believe you know what another person thinks or will say, without actually checking with them.
Projection: Attributing your own preferences, beliefs, or likely response to someone else, so you act as if their answer will match yours.
Egocentric bias or false consensus effect: Overestimating how much others share your views or would behave as you do which leads you to assume their response to a request rather than seeking it directly.
Confirmation bias and assumption-based reasoning: Focusing on information that confirms your prior assumptions about what the other person will say and ignoring any evidence to the contrary.
Beyond these psychological tendencies, assumption also serves as self-protection. If you never ask, you never face rejection. But that logic comes at a steep cost. In fund development, if you do not hear at least 4 "no's" for every "yes," you probably do not ask enough.
So how do you overcome – or at least minimize – your assumption bias?
The simple answer: Stop making decisions for other people. If you want something, ask. You may hear no. You may also learn something unexpected and get exactly what you need or wanted. That "too busy" board prospect may agree to serve next year. That "tapped out" donor may carry a real passion for your mission and find a way to invest. And I doubt they spent their last dime on that “expensive vacation.” They likely have plenty more to give – if you ask.
If you struggle to catch yourself in the moment when you start to make assumptions, surround yourself with people who will call you out – and do the same for them. Because the tendency to make sense of the world through assumptions runs deep, we all sometimes need someone to hold up a mirror.
Where have you caught yourself answering for someone else rather than asking? How could you have approached that situation differently?
